It's the best thing since sliced bread.

Question courtesy of Neville Davitt. The rambling around the blog courtesy of my good self.

From Wikipedia:
Sliced bread is a loaf of bread which has been pre-sliced and packaged for convenience.

The phrase "the greatest thing since sliced bread" (and variations thereof) is a commonly used hyperbolic means of praising an invention or development. Sliced bread appears to be something of an arbitrary selection as the benchmark against which later inventions should be judged. It has been said that "the phrase is the ultimate depiction of innovative achievement and American know-how",^[7] although it is commonly used in the United Kingdom as well.

The popular use of the phrase derives from the fact that Wonder Bread, the first mass-marketer of sliced bread as a product, launched a 1930s ad campaign touting the innovation.

So....

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How does your arsehole know you're home?

Imagine this scenario.

You're at work, you've just finished. Home's only around the corner. You need to pee kinda. You need to shit. Like neeeeeeed to shit! You can hold it. "I'd rather turd in my own bowl, much more comfortable." Those are your thoughts. Things are going well thus far, although you need to pee more. In the privacy of your car you've squeezed out a couple of farts that you were too nervous to do in front of other people you know, just in case. When you realise you haven't crapped in your pants and you get that gas-that's-gone-thru-shit-before-exiting-my-anus smell, you're kinda disappointed you didn't give the boys at work the last goodbye. You still need to pee. Busting for that crap though, but you're ok. Now you're home, you're in the driveway, you're sitting in the drivers seat bobbing up and down chanting "hang on hang on" to yourself while you get the front door key ready before you get out so you're in quicker. Do you know why you do this? You've held it fine. Then you get to the front door, and you will, repeat you will, for some reason fumble with your keys, and take about 10 tries to unlock a door that's normally easy. Now you're convinced you've just shit yourself. You had to go bad, but not that bad. Until now. When you're right at your front door. Your arsehole knows this and opens slightly. It knows you're home.

How the fuck does it know that?

Why can't they de-odorize right?

Many household fragrances and deodorisers claim "We don't just cover the odour, we get rid of it!". Well, the thought process behind that led me to a question. Spray on deodorants are good for smelling good, (bad English I know), but preventing repulsive stinks in the first place, myeeeeeeeeeeeh, not so hot. I find that Mitchum, as they claim, actually is "So good you could even skip a day". Well, why don't they put it in a spray can and have ads like Lynx that attempt to convince you that you will get sex wearing it. Maybe because it's too thick and gluggy? Maybe they could add nice fragrance to it. Spray deodorant don't work that great but smells really good. Roll-on works well, but you can't roll your clothes in it to smell nice. So...

Why don't they thin it the fuck out, put it in a spray can and fuckin' sell more of them?

Idiots.

Why isn't there a capital shortcut?

So I'm typing this sentence. I decide I want a word bold. I press ctrl+b and it does it. Then I wouldn't mind some words in italics. Hmmmm, ctrl+i did that one. Then I look back, and I've typed the whole sentence in italics. So I highlight the words I want plain and I hit ctrl+i, or the i key that most words processing programs and the blog composer have.

Then you know what I realise? I WANTED TO SHOUT THIS SENTENCE OUT LOUD. To do so, I hold shift, or I press caps lock before typing. To undo it??? I have to type the whole fucking sentence again. Why can't I press shift or caps lock to alternate between small and capital letters?

I get frustrated, I press shift 5 times.

StickyKeys comes up. (Pressing the SHIFT key 5 times turns on StickyKeys). Fucked if I know what it does but my computer beeps a lot when it's on. Anyways...

Why is there no shortcut to switch between small and capitalised letters for an entire word or sentence?

Why non smokers cough??

I thought smoking was bad for your lungs. Puts holes in it doesn't it, makes you cough more?? Well, I smoke probably a pack every 2 days, except on weekends when I smoke more. When I had my lungs tested for a physical, they said, well they're naturally small, but pretty strong mate. When I smoke, I don't really cough. I don't cough that much actually. Sooooooo, my friends, if non-smokers lungs are so good....

Why for they cough when puff huh?

Softcocks.

Why don't crims use burqas??

Well, it's an obvious point. Except in really cold countries, people are going to stare at you while wearing a balaclava. I know they'll stare at you while in a burqa too, but it's less likely to arouse suspicion (except from anti terrorist people). Why wouldn't you rob a bank in a burqa? You won't be severely noticed until you've already robbed the joint anyways.

Also, Guess Who? would be a challenge in muslim countries!!